Ways to Know You Will Have a Bad Day

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night, and there aren’t any.

You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the interstate.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.

Your husband says, “Good morning, Linda,” and your name is Shannon.

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