Hump Day Humor: Gasoline

Hump Day Humor
Hosted by Mercedes Rocks

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear At A Gas Station

10. “You’re filled up. That’ll be 600 bucks”
09. “Maybe it’s the gas fumes talking, but you’re kinda hot”
08. “I forgot if this is premium or regular” (drinks) “Regular”
07. “For an extra ten bucks, I’ll pump your gas without pants”
06. “Hope you don’t mind – – I just put an Al-Qaeda bumper sticker on your car”
05. “Take me to Mexico and don’t ask any questions”
04. “We were out of gas so I filled you up with coffee”
03. “You know, you got a bike messenger wedged in your front grill”
02. “Good luck figuring out what I did to your engine”
01. “I checked your fluids. Now you check mine”


Hump Day Humor: Oil

Hump Day Humor
Hosted by Mercedes Rocks

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist:
1. Go to O`Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O`Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid`s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337

Hump Day Humor: Cowboys and Morticians

Hosted by Mercedes Rocks

I missed last weeks Hump Day Humor, which was Cowboys.
So, I am using it in this weeks HDH along with this week’s theme – Morticians!

A Cowboy’s Guide to Life
* Never squat with yer spurs on.
* There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works.
* Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
* After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
* He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
* The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
* Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
* It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
* Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
* Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
* If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
* When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
* When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
* Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.

funny dog pictures

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” said the mortician.

“Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.”

Hump Day Humor: Lawyers

Hump Day Humor – Hosted by Mercedes Rocks

# Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer. ~Will Rogers
# There are three sorts of lawyers – able, unable and lamentable. ~Robert Smith Surtees
# Lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles than out of them. ~William Goldsmith
# A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns. ~Mario Puzo
# Lawyers are men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers. ~Elbert Hubbard

Visit Hump Day Humor and other participants HERE!

Hump Day Humor: Blondes

Hump Day Humor – Hosted by Mercedes Rocks

Blonde Brownies

* 1 stick butter or margarine (4 ounces), room temperature
* 1 cup brown sugar, packed
* 1 egg
* 1 cup flour
* 1/4 tsp baking powder
* 1/8 tsp baking soda
* pinch salt
* 1/2 to 1 cup chopped walnuts
* 1 cup (about 8 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips

Cream together the butter and brown sugar; beat in egg. Stir in flour, baking powder, and salt. Stir in nuts and chocolate chips. Spread batter in a greased and floured 7- X 11-inch pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes. These brown very quickly, so be sure to start checking at the 20 minute mark.

Hump Day Humor: Heaven/Heavenly

Hump Day Humor – Hosted by Mercedes Rocks
Theme: Heaven/Heavenly

Heavenly Hash
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup evaporated milk
1 tablespoon white corn syrup
1 package chocolate chips, (6 oz)
1 cup chopped nuts, walnuts or pecans
1 cup miniature marshmallows

Mix sugar, milk and 1 tablespoon corn syrup in a heavy 2 quart saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring constantly. Continue boiling, stirring frequently, for 2 minutes. Remove from heat and add chocolate chips, stirring until completely melted. Let mixture cool for 15 minutes. Add pecans and marshmallows. Using 2 teaspoons, drop candy onto a large baking sheet lined with wax paper. Chill until firm.

To test for soft ball stage: Use fresh cold water each time you test the candy. In about 1 cup of cold water, spoon about 1/2 teaspoon of hot candy. Put you hand into the water and push the candy to form a ball. Gently pick the formed ball up (if it will not form a ball, it is not done) – the soft ball will flatten slightly when removed from water.

funny pictures

moar funny pictures

Hump Day Humor: Getting Older

Hump Day Humor is hosted by Mercedes Rocks!
Please be sure to check out her site and other participants HERE.

You Know You’re Getting Old When…
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your back goes out more than you do.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after when you haven’t been anywhere the night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn’t do anything the night before.
You don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… have come back in style.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they’ve been on your head all the time.
You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.
Happy hour is a nap.
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t remember being on top of it.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You got cable for the weather channel. Old Folks MTV!
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
“Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You don’t remember being absentminded.
You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.
You tip more and carry less.
You read more and remember less.
You get propositioned by AARP.
Younger women start opening doors for you.
You begin to become invisible in the dating and mating game.
The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don’t give you a ticket.
You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.
You are no longer ‘promising’.
Younger men ask you for advice.
You work on your short game.
Youthful injuries return with a vengeance.
Youthful indiscretions harden into bad habits.
You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.
Your medical expenses go up 50%.
A ‘late night’ now ends at 11 pm.
You learn where your prostrate is.
You develop a knack for wearing hats.