Missouri Joke

A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, “Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?”

The bartender says, “Listen, pal, I’m from St. Louis, and I won’t appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he’s from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?”

“No,” says the guy from Kansas City. “Not if I have to explain it three times.”

Why, Why, Why…

I received this from two different people today in email so I thought I would share with all of you 🙂 Enjoy!
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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Why do you park in a drive way, and drive on a park way?

The Zen of Sarcasm

I got this in an email earlier today…enjoy!

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
02.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan beltand a leaky tire.
03.It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
04.Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced,you can’t be promoted.
05. Always remember that you’re unique…just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes
09. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side,and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The Boxer and the Retriever

A beautiful Golden Retriever was sitting on a balcony on the 4th floor of an apartment complex when a Boxer trotted along. He called up to the Retriever, “Hey! Want to come out and play?”

“I can’t,” the Retriever replied. “I have to guard the house for my humans. They went away for a couple of hours, and I promised I’d stay here.”

“Aw, come on!” the Boxer said. “They won’t notice. We can even stay in the yard if you want.”

“No, I really can’t,” said the Retriever. “The door is locked. I wouldn’t be able to get out.”

The Boxer said, “Why don’t you just jump off the balcony then?”

“And end up with a face like yours?” said the Retriever. “I don’t think so!”

Dad is a Peacock (Joke)

I got this in my email this morning and just had to share.
It provided a good morning laugh for me!

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided
to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had
spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad
kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every
time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?’

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he
did not bat an eye in his response.

‘Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.’